Bob Jones University Application

Religion:

1. Christian
2. Devout Christian
3. Other

Race:

1. Caucasian
2. Other

Please write a personal statement, letting us know why you chose Bob Jones University and what you hope to gain from a Bob Jones education:

Dear Mr. Robert Jones,

I look forward to my opportunity to study Biblical Horticulture at Bob Jones University. I thank the Sons of George Wallace for their generous scholarship.

When I was planning to go to college, my grandfather said to me, "Son," (he has a little trouble remembering people these days), "You gotta go where a man can still be free to think whatever he damn well pleases" (excuse his cursin' - that's a generations thing) "about Kikes and WOPs and Spics and coloureds of all shapes and hues."

Now, he still holds some old school views. I told him, "We don't call them WOPs anymore. We call them guidos." But he's fairly set in his ways.

I was heartened to hear that you had rolled over on your policy on interracial dating. While my girlfriend, Constance Lemon, is white as a chicken's tail feathers, my other girl, on the sly, is black as charbroiled rabbit. I like to think that I'm what the application to work at the Gas, Bait N' Army Surplus Mart called, "an equal opportunity" employer. She's going to Howard, and I said to her, "How racist can you get? They only accept Black people." She won't listen to me. I met her because she was bussed to my high school. I can still hear the people yelling about how bad bussing is, but I say, it's a waste of gas for everyone to drive themselves to school.

Now, my friends say you are anti-Catholic. But I see you more as pro-everything-but-Catholic.

Please accept my apologies for everything George W. Bush said about your policies. That's guys a no account.

Sincerely,
Hezekiah Jonameth