FACADE STAGEPLAY with Mark Marino as Mark, the roller coaster. GRACE Trip, when are you going to get rid of this? TRIP What, Grace... this? GRACE Yes, you know how I feel about it -- MARK today I will play the party game TRIP I know I know I'll do it right now, alright?! GRACE You know I've had to ask you about this several -- TRIP Get off my back! I'll get rid of it in just a minute! GRACE Fine, Trip... fine... MARK I am a roller coaster MARK Let's see if they can guess. (Trip opens the front door.) TRIP Mark!! TRIP Hey! I thought I heard someone out here! Great to see you! It's been a while, -- (interrupted) MARK zoom TRIP Uh... (MARK hugs trip.) TRIP Well come on in... TRIP Uh, it'll be just a sec while I go get Grace... MARK clickity clack TRIP (unintelligable arguing) MARK clickity clack TRIP (unintelligable arguing) TRIP (unintelligable arguing) MARK zoom GRACE Mark, GRACE Hi! How are you? God it's been a while! TRIP Yeah, how -- how are you doing? GRACE I just asked him that... TRIP I can ask too! MARK I am going fast MARK kind of hilly GRACE Uh... (clears throat) um... GRACE Uh... MARK I zoom really fast GRACE Oh, H-mmm (happy smile sound) GRACE And I have to say, you look great. MARK sometimes I go in loops GRACE Make yourself at home, come on in! MARK My seats are sticky GRACE So, Mark, you can help me understand where I went wrong with my new decorating, ha ha. (Trip closes the front door.) (MARK sits on the couch.) TRIP Grace, oh, no, we don't need to do that. MARK my tracks are clear. TRIP Well hold on, hold on, take a closer look, give it a chance to soak in a little. MARK are you tall enough? TRIP Well, it's funny how after a full day's work designing magazine ads, Grace finds the time to decorate... and re-decorate... GRACE Ha ha, uhh, I guess it's just the artist in me dying to get out. GRACE I bet I can return most of this, and start over again on this room... MARK I go fast in places TRIP See, Grace, everybody always loves your decorating! It's beautiful. MARK I have a lot of curves. TRIP Mark, yeah, Grace, nothing's wrong, everything's fine! TRIP Oh, Mark, I thought you might like this photo I just put up from our recent trip to Italy. GRACE Might like it? It's a beautiful picture of the Italian countryside, of course -- (interrupted) MARK They call me the jackrabbit. (MARK gets up from the couch.) TRIP Oh, you'll never guess where I took that picture. GRACE Is this really something you want to brag about, Trip? TRIP Heh, I'll tell you about it in a sec. MARK was it six flags? (MARK points to the italy picture.) (MARK points to the italy picture.) (MARK points to the italy picture.) TRIP Yeah, yeah, I've, I've got to tell you about Italy! (MARK points to the italy picture.) GRACE Trip we don't want to depress our guest. TRIP Dammit Grace, would it kill you to be positive for once? God. TRIP (annoyed sigh) MARK wow it looks exciting. TRIP (little sigh) (clears throat) TRIP Um... now,, -- (interrupted) MARK Do they have rollercoasters? TRIP (little sigh) (clears throat) GRACE Mark, I'm sorry. See Trip, I knew I should never have let you put up that picture, it's making our guest uncomfortable. -- (interrupted) MARK zoom GRACE Well -- well, Trip can get overly obsessed. TRIP (little sigh) You know, uh, Mark, this trip to Italy, uh, was actually our second honeymoon, kind of a way for us to -- GRACE Trip, don't exaggerate... it was just a weekend getaway. -- (interrupted) MARK sometimes I go very fast. GRACE Yeah -- y - yes -- no, it was just a weekend getaway. TRIP uhh... -- (interrupted) GRACE Mark, uhh, all the buildings there were -- (interrupted) MARK Kids always sit on me. GRACE Y -- yes, well, oh, never mind, it was a mess. TRIP Mark, let me get you a drink. MARK My best car is the front seat. PHONE ** RING ** GRACE Oh, I'll get it -- TRIP No, no no no, our friend's here, we can let the answering machine get it. -- (interrupted) PHONE ** RING ** (MARK picks up the phone.) PHONE Hello? Hello? TRIP Mark, no! Don't do that. MARK hello PHONE Who is this? Travis, is that you? This is your mother. TRIP Uhh, that's my mother, I can hear her loud voice. MARK this is zoom PHONE I don't recognize your voice... GRACE Oh! PHONE I -- I think I have the wrong number... ** click ** TRIP Okay, she's confused, as usual... just -- just hang it up. MARK hi (MARK puts down the phone.) TRIP Oh, good, you hung up. I don't want to talk to her. GRACE Oh, I wanted to say hello -- TRIP No no, come on, we're entertaining a friend in our new apartment... TRIP the last thing I want to do is talk to my parents. GRACE Anyhow, Trip's parents... They're sweet people, really down to earth -- TRIP Uhh, no, they're ignorant, they don't know 'black tie only' from... black bean chili. GRACE (frustrated sigh) MARK I live in an amusement park. GRACE Okay, well, I was worried there for a bit you were on Trip's side tonight, ha ha. MARK I live next to the ferris wheel TRIP Y -- yeah, yeah, n - no no no, wait, uh, w - what's wrong, Grace? GRACE Trip, have you noticed, we're fighting in front of our friend. MARK I'm not good for pregnant women. TRIP Grace, come on, that kind of statement is not helpful... -- (interrupted) GRACE You don't agree? Okay, well... MARK Also, if you have neck problems TRIP Oh no, Mark, I just realized... I'm sorry! GRACE What?! TRIP I haven't gotten us drinks! MARK put your hands up. TRIP Uh, well, uh -- we need drinks! GRACE Trip would try to serve you one of his high class drinks before even saying hello if he could. TRIP Why don't I make us one of my new drink inventions, -- (interrupted) MARK and shout weeeeee TRIP W - wait, I want to make you one of my drink inventions! GRACE It's a secret -- Trip doesn't even like the taste of alcohol. TRIP What?! So, uhh, TRIP Mark, how -- how does that sound? MARK some people close their eyes TRIP You -- you don't want my invention? GRACE Mark, Trip's getting a little carried away... maybe you just want some juice, or a mineral water? TRIP (exhale very tense) MARK I'd like some oil. GRACE Oh let's not talk about my decorating anymore, I'm redoing the room this week, that's all there is to it. MARK My tracks are greasy TRIP Yeah, no, I'm going to make this drink for us! TRIP Our friend is here, we're going to enjoy ourselves, that's all there is to it! GRACE (frustrated sigh) TRIP Grace, everybody loves my drinks, you know that, don't you? Everybody! MARK My brother is made out of wood. GRACE Well, of course Trip, after all, you got enough practice when you were a real bartender. TRIP What? GRACE In college, you were a bartender. TRIP How do you know about that? GRACE Oh I know you were trying to keep it a big secret, but... one time my friends and I went slumming off-campus to some crappy bar in the sticks, and we saw you there. TRIP Oh, that's great. TRIP Uhh, you're driving me insane! MARK Make sure you keep your arms in. TRIP Goddamn -- (interrupted) MARK at all times TRIP Yeah, okay, okay, again with that, yeah, okay... TRIP You hide things from me! You're so distant! You... MARK don't stand till I've come to a stop TRIP Are -- what, w - what are you saying me, what? GRACE (impatient sigh) Mark, can you believe this? GRACE (frustrated sigh) TRIP Uh huh, you... (MARK comforts grace.) GRACE No, please don't take sides, it's going to do more harm than good! (MARK comforts trip.) GRACE Goddamn second honeymoon... GRACE Trip, our whole marriage, you're so... controlling! TRIP Oh, god...! TRIP Goddamn more real... MARK Couples ride me. TRIP I like my fancy drinks, okay? I like the good things in life, does that make me a bad person? Their just drinks! GRACE Oh, sure, yeah! MARK You can ride by yourself. TRIP Okay, you know what, Mark, TRIP I need to ask you something. GRACE Trip -- TRIP Grace, let me ask our guest a question. TRIP Mark, yes or no... MARK I dip and curve TRIP Isn't the goal in life, and in marriage, to improve your life, to have more than you did before? GRACE What? TRIP I mean, shouldn't you get married so you can have a better, richer life than before? -- (interrupted) MARK I've got several trains. TRIP Look, don't bother answering, I don't need to hear it! TRIP Grace, you won't let me be who I want to be! Who -- who I am! This is who I am now! Goddammit! MARK sometimes trains race on me. GRACE Oh, I can't believe...! GRACE Uhh! Yeah, good, get away from me! GRACE I don't want to look at you! GRACE Oh, God!! GRACE uhh! GRACE Mark, I can't believe you have to -- (interrupted) MARK I am fun. GRACE What are you saying? What? MARK People enjoy me. TRIP Grace, what the hell are you saying about me in there? GRACE I'm not talking to you! GRACE Mark, (annoyed sigh) Trip is sometimes so... MARK People like to ride me. TRIP Oh ho, so we're talking about me, are we? GRACE What? TRIP Grace, we don't -- we don't have to do this... things are okay, we can just -- -- (interrupted) TRIP Mark, where are you? Don't run off, you need to help us deal with this! TRIP No we need -- we need to talk about us both, not just one. TRIP It's so annoying... Grace, why is it that anytime I want to do something nice for you, you resist it? GRACE Trip... TRIP Like I always have to convince you? MARK I have two loops. TRIP It's just never easy with you, Grace, and it wears me down. GRACE (frustrated sigh) MARK clickity clackity TRIP Mark, give me some advice here...! GRACE No I -- I want to talk about Trip. TRIP No, Mark, don't listen to all this, I, I... I, I... I know, Grace and I, we're... okay... TRIP It's just that Grace can never seem to... you know, actually say that... -- (interrupted) MARK If you put your hands up TRIP But, no, really, I'm a very caring, and romantic person... MARK you'll enjoy the ride. TRIP Look, let's talk about Grace now. -- (interrupted) GRACE No, please stop taking sides, it's just going to make it worse! MARK I am scary and fun GRACE You know, Trip, whenever I really try to talk honestly about things, you... MARK I go faster at night GRACE you don't want to hear it! TRIP What? GRACE Mark, I think I'm the only one who is trying to be the most honest here. TRIP Uhh... MARK When you leave the cart GRACE When? GRACE Ah, good, you want to understand, see, that helps me... GRACE Mark, yes, I -- I need to feel safe to be able to say things...! TRIP Uhh... MARK look to see if you have your stuff. GRACE No, I, I -- I want us to focus on Trip. GRACE Mark, every time Trip is unhappy he rushes out and buys some new gadget. (MARK knocks on the front door.) (MARK opens the front door.) TRIP What are you talking -- (interrupted) TRIP Mark, wait! You can't leave! -- (interrupted) (MARK points to the elevator button.) (MARK points to the elevator button.)