Death Star Diplomacy

The U. S. in recent years has a built up an empire unparalleled since the Intergalactic Empire Because our leaders have long ceased wearing black samurai suits and heavy breathing masks, we appear more benevolent (although President Clinton in his last "60 Minutes" interview appeared to be morphing into something from the Hoth tundra). A close investigation of our techniques reveals a strong link between recent U.S. foreign policy and the Empire's oppressive tactics.

First, we commit no ground troops because we have Death Stars. The U.S. prefers precision strikes with laser guided stealth fighters, cutting casualties and collatoral damage. The Death Star offered similar ease of destruction, vaporizing entire planets without Darth even breaking a nail.

Another top weapon combines Death Star technology with mind control in a satellite, broadcasting CNN and MTV into every palace, hut, and bombed-out village on the planet. Meanwhile, our multi-million dollar Stealth Fighters are apparently just as vulnerable as the Death Star, as seen when Serbians danced a jig on the wing of the downed plane.

Our plans appear noble: Prevent Ethnic Cleansing by select strikes on the Cleansing Ethnicity. We see ourselves as using the Force to levitate rocks on Dagobah instead of using it to yank leaders from their seats and strangle them. But whether trying to incite sanction-starved revolutionaries in Iraq or bombing palaces in Lybia, the US time and again has used the Force for the Dark Side.

This is bunk, says the Wookie. Don't we protect the Ewoks everywhere? Look again, my fine furry friend. We set up Nato bases on Endor. We send in occupying peace-keeping troops (shedding the white body armor in favor of less conspicuous green camouflage). We're not freeing them to sing their jub-jub song; we're annexing them. The only reason we don't incorporate them into the U.S. is we do not want to be responsible for their pint-sized economies and forest-hut living conditions.

To aid us in our endeavors, we have various Lando Calrissians, with NATO and the UN in our back pockets, aside from the occasional angry tantrums by such rogue states as France and Russia.